IN THE BEGINNING

In the beginning, the door was shut. I didn’t know it existed. Life had not yet exposed it. I hadn’t ventured into its depths. I used to be patient and kind. I laughed, played, and loved unconditionally. Instinctively, I followed the morals written on my heart. I did what felt virtuous and avoided what brought guilt and shame. But the world is vicious.

Little by little, through the years, it chipped away at me. I had been too nice, and that kindness had been mistaken for weakness. It sought to destroy my happiness and forced me into a protective shell. As much as I tried to hold on to what I knew to be righteous, the world lured me away and enticed me to become one with it, lest it continue.

I filled my head with tunes from a culture I could relate to but felt so apart from. They were in my ear, telling me to stand up against the middle school punks picking on the quiet kids in the halls. They produced the beats backing the rhythm of my fists as they pummeled the faces of those trying to bring me down.

Kids on the bus told me I always looked angry. It was my strength and my shield. My warning to others that I wanted to be left alone. My middle finger to anyone who thought they were better than me. I didn’t let them get close. I remained behind my protective barrier, eyes burning with a promise for those who dared to cross the line.

The door started to crack open. Just because I didn’t know it existed didn’t make it less real. It had consequences. I started feeling anxious and in fear. I feared ridicule and rejection, blaming my insecurities on how others treated me. So I sought revenge, dishing back the very things I had been guarding against—the same things I feared would happen to me.

At sixteen years old, alcohol became a close confidant, and something changed. The fear and anxiety that plagued me vanished. Apprehension disappeared. I finally let my barriers down, opening myself up to the world. I had been concealing myself for too long. I had been missing out on what the world had to offer. I began embracing it, and it welcomed me. It seduced me, and it felt good.

 Every night, our apartment was bumping with loud music, fake friends, empty liquor bottles, and vomit. As the good feelings faded, the consequences of our lifestyle set in. Reality was sobering, and sobriety felt like hell, so every night, I kept chasing the feeling that brought liberation, and the door kept creaking open.

After a few years, the melody faded, and friends disappeared. I moved out of state to escape the inevitable downward cycle and build a better life. I had dreams and ambitions yet accomplished and was fueled by a desire to fulfill the rush I left behind. When I entered the firefighter cadet program, I could barely run a mile without puking, but my determination to bring back a worthy lifestyle kept me going and got me into the best shape of my life.

When the stock market crashed and the economy collapsed, I took a job on an ambulance. Instantly, I was thrust back into a world I deeply despised—a world full of flawed, manipulative individuals. The world encourages immorality, tolerates iniquitous behavior, and uses every available tactic to provoke those who refuse to follow. It ruthlessly strikes until there is nothing left.

I coped with the stress at the expense of others, gratifying the provoker. It became emboldened, depriving me of the deceptive enjoyment it once allowed. I tried to push back but found my efforts completely ineffective. To its satisfaction, it had me right where it wanted me—defeated and filled with rage. In my frustration, I shouted at the top of my lungs to the darkness of this world, "Fuck you! Leave me alone!"
But it only fueled it.

The love I once had began to fade into a spiteful and vindictive attitude. The darkness welcomed me, and I became one with it. It consumed my every being—my thoughts, my mind—the mind of a demon. It penetrated and attempted to consume my soul, where a remnant of good remained. I had no way to stop it. As it continued to devour me, the door swung wide open. There was no containing what was behind.